Taking Care of Me
I think it is fairly safe to say that most of us are bad at one thing, the same thing in fact - especially if we are female, more so if we are female and over the age of 40.
We are bad at taking care of ourselves.
I have to try to learn to do this ... no, more than try I have to learn to take care of myself and apply that learning every single day.
Talk about Mission Impossible.
Like many my age, I am becoming the caregiver for my aging parent. A parent with a degenerative brain disease that there is no treatment for, little research being done about and is pretty rare. It is called primary progressive aphasia. This disease is stealing my mother's use of language. Her speech, her ability to write - all of it. It attacks the language center of the brain, sets up house and settles in. It is related in pathology to Alzheimer's so the going though is well let's treat it with the same meds ... not helpful. Pretty useless in fact. And, get this, she wasn't sick enough for the one clinical trial we attempted to get her into. There is another one we can try - when I get back from Texas we will take a look at that one.
As you might imagine there is a lot of anxiety for both of us. I am losing my mother, the person I depend on for stuff and she is not even 75 yet. She feels she is losing her mind and as you have all heard (or will hear) from a parent or grandparent, believes she is becoming a "burden". She's not of course but try convincing her of that.
So I joined a gym, haven't hardly gone. Got a Fitbit, don't pay that much attention to it. Trying to remove toxic people/situations/etc. from my life but ...
I feel paralyzed. So much to do and absolutely no energy to do any of it. Not even pay bills. Not even clean the house. All I want to do is breathe, sleep and read. So today while I could be outside working in the yard, while I could be getting out the summer gear and putting away the cold weather stuff, while I could be cleaning... I barely have the gumption to write this blog.
And then there is the work-life balance. What balance? What life? How does that sort of thing even work? There are no helpful guidelines ... "you have to do what is best for you". Thanks ever so much! Wow, that's really helpful. Gee, what would I have done without that tidbit of information?
So I try. Would love a week at a spa but not being one of the top 1% such a thing isn't going to happen. So I do my own nails, deal with my hair myself (not even my hairdresser knows for sure) and so on. A cleaning lady would be nice but, again the funding. I do have a kid to mow my lawn thank goodness. But as it often is with us single people - everything falls on me. My mother had no other children so there are no siblings to share this with. The sibling I do have on my father's side are in Texas, pretty far shout from Ohio.
Yes, I know this is a rant and something of a pity party but I needed to put out there that - even though I am seeing a therapist (that I can't afford by the way) for this - I still feel paralyzed. If you say it out loud, if you write it down you can own it, you can begin to confront it, you can break its power over you.
Or so I believe. Because at the end of the day I have to take care of me .... there isn't anyone else who can.
We are bad at taking care of ourselves.
I have to try to learn to do this ... no, more than try I have to learn to take care of myself and apply that learning every single day.
Talk about Mission Impossible.
Like many my age, I am becoming the caregiver for my aging parent. A parent with a degenerative brain disease that there is no treatment for, little research being done about and is pretty rare. It is called primary progressive aphasia. This disease is stealing my mother's use of language. Her speech, her ability to write - all of it. It attacks the language center of the brain, sets up house and settles in. It is related in pathology to Alzheimer's so the going though is well let's treat it with the same meds ... not helpful. Pretty useless in fact. And, get this, she wasn't sick enough for the one clinical trial we attempted to get her into. There is another one we can try - when I get back from Texas we will take a look at that one.
As you might imagine there is a lot of anxiety for both of us. I am losing my mother, the person I depend on for stuff and she is not even 75 yet. She feels she is losing her mind and as you have all heard (or will hear) from a parent or grandparent, believes she is becoming a "burden". She's not of course but try convincing her of that.
So I joined a gym, haven't hardly gone. Got a Fitbit, don't pay that much attention to it. Trying to remove toxic people/situations/etc. from my life but ...
I feel paralyzed. So much to do and absolutely no energy to do any of it. Not even pay bills. Not even clean the house. All I want to do is breathe, sleep and read. So today while I could be outside working in the yard, while I could be getting out the summer gear and putting away the cold weather stuff, while I could be cleaning... I barely have the gumption to write this blog.
And then there is the work-life balance. What balance? What life? How does that sort of thing even work? There are no helpful guidelines ... "you have to do what is best for you". Thanks ever so much! Wow, that's really helpful. Gee, what would I have done without that tidbit of information?
So I try. Would love a week at a spa but not being one of the top 1% such a thing isn't going to happen. So I do my own nails, deal with my hair myself (not even my hairdresser knows for sure) and so on. A cleaning lady would be nice but, again the funding. I do have a kid to mow my lawn thank goodness. But as it often is with us single people - everything falls on me. My mother had no other children so there are no siblings to share this with. The sibling I do have on my father's side are in Texas, pretty far shout from Ohio.
Yes, I know this is a rant and something of a pity party but I needed to put out there that - even though I am seeing a therapist (that I can't afford by the way) for this - I still feel paralyzed. If you say it out loud, if you write it down you can own it, you can begin to confront it, you can break its power over you.
Or so I believe. Because at the end of the day I have to take care of me .... there isn't anyone else who can.
Comments