Clinical Trial Blogging Episode #1 - Exhausting

For those who think that answering questions is easy, no big deal, try doing that for two hours straight when your brain is bound and determined to undermine anything and everything you are trying to say.

That's what Mom experienced yesterday. We drove almost two hours to OSU Wexner - Martha Morehouse Tower, 7th Floor neurology clinic - and for two hours she answered cognitive testing questions and I answered questions about her emotions, state of mind, depression and anxiety for the both us (yes, I am in therapy but that's another story) and set parameters of what she might/should remember over the last month plus questions about her emotional health/state of mind.

Then there is nearly the two hours drive back to Lima. I actually fell asleep while driving back. For about 3 seconds. I don't think she noticed. At least I hope not. So we pulled off in a rest area outside of Bellefontaine so I could take a 20 minute power-catnap. I can do that, I realize a lot of people can't but it works for me.

Mom looked so exhausted at the end of the questions (they had us separated for 99% of the session).  She was very nearly in tears. She was so frustrated that she couldn't remember what the answers to their questions were, couldn't focus. Of course that is EXACTLY what they were looking for - a baseline of her condition so that as we move through the clinical trial they have something to compare to. But she felt so bad, was so tired and frustrated. The psychologist said to me that Mom actually asked in frustration why she was doing this and had to be reminded that participation in the trial was voluntary. I think she is focusing on the fact that she is getting $50 per visit to get her through, it is her grocery money and she asked about it several times. 

So naturally I start thinking she is going through this mostly because I want her to. No guilt/pressure there! She has a 67% change of receiving medication and within that 67% chance there is a 50% chance of one dosage level or the other and maybe that lower dose won't be enough to slow the progression of her symptoms. 

That's the truly crappy thing - this medication will NOT cure her. It will slow progression maybe but that is the best we can hope for... and even then it is "iffy" since she doesn't actually have Alzheimer's.

I keep praying, to every saint I can think of. I ask my grandmother and great-grandmother to add their prayers to mind... I believe in prayer. My Aunt Theresa believes my great-grandmother Marie was a saint (whole other story, she had a rough life). A friend brought back water from Lourdes for her but I don't think she has used any of it to make the sign of the cross on herself. I have no idea where she put it actually. Prayer helped her get through her breast cancer and I know that she is on the prayer lists of several of my friends but PLEASE if you are reading this: pray for her. 

Mom received her first two weeks of pills yesterday. Tiny blue pills. Easy to drop and lose, hard to get out of the blister packs if you have issues with your hands. 

None of this is addressing the way her hands shake. No one but me seems to think this is an issue. 

We go back on the 21st for a "compliance check" so make sure she's taking the medication and not having any problems with it (side effect, etc.).

To (allegedly) quote Mother Teresa: I know God won't give me more than I can handle, I just wish He didn't trust me so much.