Clinical Trial Episodes #2 & #3 - Loss & Confusion

Every day a little more of my mother is gone.

She doesn't have dementia but she is so frightened that she is fading away anyway, giving up. This is a woman whose automatic response is the glass is not only half empty, it is broken on the floor in a thousand pieces.

She has no confidence. She has herself convinced that she is no longer capable of doing anything. Yet the "funny" thing is that she does not want to take a cognitive test for driving ability because she is afraid "they" will take away her license. She can drive just fine. I have ridden with her and haven't seen any problems.

The root of this current situation lies in our trip to see her sister in June. She saw Aunt Theresa and how far she has slid into her Alzheimer's and Mom has herself convinced that this is what is happening to her. It is not, but you can't tell her that... she will not listen. This is the same woman, after all, who had herself convinced that she was going to die in her early fifties because her aunt (with whom she shared a birthday and after who she is named) died in her early fifties. The house I grew up in had so much negativity it is unreal now that I look back on it. Grammy was always commenting on how everything was "awful". Everything. Mom is pretty much the same way. Of course once you decide to give up the self-fulfilling prophecy kicks in and yup, things will slide into "awful".

Had a 10 minute conversation today about how much two gentlemen I know look alike and all the while instead of listening to me she kept insisting that they didn't -- she has never met one of them. My entire point was that the guy across the room might not be who - at first glance - we thought he was, took 10+ minutes for her to stop arguing with me, listen and say "oh".

Microsoft in their infinite "wisdom" changed the interface for hotmail over the weekend. She used it just fine on Friday but by Saturday night it was totally different and she was in a panic because she assumed that the problem was with her and not the idiots at Microsoft who apparently have nothing better to do and did not put in a "revert to classic version" option. Took over an hour to convince her that I cannot reprogram the Internet ... or Microsoft products. Again.

She has taken the clinical trial pills for three weeks now. And is convinced since it hasn't worked immediately, that she is getting worse. She isn't. She's been in her current stage for over two months now. Same thing happens when she reads the possible side effects - she gets all of them.

I honestly do not know what to do. She yells at me when I can't fix something (like the Internet); will not listen to me, just yells "no" when I try to explain that it is okay she just left out a step in doing something and so on. This isn't my mother. She is so scared - but won't admit it - that she has herself convinced that her entire world is falling apart... I think she could benefit from talking to a professional about her anxiety but she won't - that would be weakness, and the old we're-from-New-England-we-don't-talk-about-this-stuff thing.

The next appointment is a phone conference call - which she doesn't want to do and doesn't understand why I have to be there as her study partner I have to be there for all of this stuff. We don't get paid for conference calls which I think is part of the problem. She really likes getting that $50 per appointment thingy. Buys her groceries for that week-ish. 

There is so much work that needs done on this house before she can move in. I can't afford to do it all at once. The basement water-proofing alone is going to cost over $10k, that doesn't include electrical so that I can actually have my office down there. Then there is moving all the stuff in the second bedroom somewhere else so that she has a bedroom. The roof needs replaced, the furnace needs replaced, the front porch needs fixed (it is sinking)... not sure where to start. Be silly to fix the roof without fixing the porch because then I'd only have to start over with that since it is connected to the house.

It all ties together to what Mom is dealing with... what I have to deal with. This journey is long, it is NOT enjoyable and I really do not have support from others who have been there/done that.