Self-Doubt, Depression and the Cat

Not all of us were part of "the" clique in school. Some of us weren't part of a clique at all. We were loners, geeks, nerds... those odd kids in the corner, at the end of the lunch table. We were the fat kids, the scrawny kids, the unathletic kids. The brains, dorks, creeps... the outcasts. And we developed a sense of self-doubt to go with our awkwardness. And that doubt still lingers...

Of course the "in crowd" had its own version of self-doubt. Hiding behind the popularity, afraid that someone would notice how scared they were underneath and how not "perfect" they truly were. And that doubt still lingers...

We all have periods of self-doubt. For most of us they are fleeting. But for some, perhaps even many self-doubt is a constant companion. But let's not confuse self-doubt with low self-esteem they aren't the same thing and don't always hang out in tandem. Psychology Today - like many publications on the topic - blames the parents (click here). I suppose that could be a factor. Being subjected to what I consider emotional abuse - being told outright that you aren't good enough, can't do anything right, etc. - has a significant impact. But what about society? What part do the cliques of middle/high school, our media (print, broadcast, film, social media, etc.) in all this? There's an interesting article on PopularSocialScience.com that speaks to the topic - the Looking Glass Self (click here).

For me, the sense of never being "good enough" runs very deep. I don't believe that my mother and grandmother were the narcissistic adults solely responsible for causing this belief. They weren't narcissists but there was a whole lot of "you're too sensitive", "get over it" messaging going on. And then too being the only kid in the neighborhood being raised by a single parent was enough to make a kid wonder what they had done to make the missing parent leave. But really, it was a number of things. Being the sick kid (asthma) who couldn't play hard with the other kids and had to stay in at recess from oh October to March; the only girl in grade school interested in science; the whole teacher's pet thing and so on.... had to all add up to being the odd one. Plus when you're "that kid" it really does seem as though you can't do anything right because for some odd reason the "anything" isn't grades, science fair projects or even the park district production of Oliver! It's having store bought clothes, being able to have things, buy things and do things the other" kids can and do. You judge yourself not by what matters at the core but silly, material society-driven things. And it lingers...

Not only does it linger it morphs into depression. Or anxiety. Or both. Because you see you get anxious over trying/doing something, and then it doesn't go well which lands you in depression because after all what the heck did you expect? You set yourself up for failure or at the very least underachievement. Again, Psychology Today has some insight (click here) however they do again blame the parents. The whole blame the parent pop-psychology school of thought crap is a topic for a whole other post (oh lookie there! I have my next topic already). Depression is not to be taken lightly of course. Sometimes we suffer from it and don't even realize it. If you think that be your situation, WebMD has some help (click here). Me? I know I have depression. Apparently I don't have a strong enough case to require medication - ha!could have fooled me. I have it. It ebbs and flows with each issue of "not-good-enoughness" real or imagined. And it's lovely little hyper friend anxiety likes to tap dance on my digestive system, the little hussy.

You'd think I would have such things under control, be able to poo-poo it away. NOT!!! Despite advanced degrees (two thank you very much), a sizable number of really good, supportive friends and a strong faith I still shiver from cold despite the thermostat being at 70, want (and do) to stay in bed all day, can't think of eating without gagging and so on... And why is that? Why do I think I have to be able to "fix" everything that's wrong for me, family and friends? Why does it seem that I can't have/hold onto nice things (although I can point to specific examples of that kind of thing actually happening)? Why can't I ever seem to have things go right? Who the hell knows...

What I do know is that the cat helps... In my case, cats. They know when I'm down and become Velcro kitties. On the lap, on the bed, purring, snuggling, bringing me toys to throw for them, wanting to play tag and run through the house like their tails are on fire - which is really funny to watch.

Pets make a difference. For those with depression, some with anxiety (depending on what sets you off) and the elderly. They can be a reason to get up in the morning. Provide love and comfort when there isn't anyone else. For more information on how pets help with depression, WebMD is a good resource (click here). For example: "Studies show that animals can reduce tension and improve mood. Along with treatment, pets can help some people with mild to moderate depression feel better." 

So this sickly, brainy, geeky "kid" deals with self-doubt every damned day. Fights with depression on and off relatively often. 

But I have the cats.... and ninety-five percent (95%) of the time that's enough.