Changes and Silver Linings (One Hopes)

There have been changes. They are still painful and wounds will take time to heal. I like to think I will be able to extend forgiveness but I will not forget and there are certain folk I will never trust again. And that is sad.

 

When you give your heart and soul to something, at the expense of yourself no less, and work for over four years to improve conditions, perceptions and so forth only to have the very people you brought in to help because of their talents and skills only to have those same people turn on you and demand your departure ... it hurts.

 

And you worry.

 

You worry about what will happen and already in less than a month you can see the backsliding happening. You see the drop off in social media presence for example - down by 60% on the Facebook page stats. Why? Because one thing you used to do (as a volunteer mind you!) was keep the message in front of the public. You spent hours every night on the computer keeping on top of messaging. You "worked" every Saturday for more than six hours. You're not doing that any longer and neither is anyone else so the slide begins. When that presence slowly dies, so does the top of mind awareness that is so critical for raising funds.

 

So there's that. A whole of of free time opening up.

 

Other changes include a nasty diagnosis for my mother. A degenerative brain disease that is stealing her ability to use language. It isn't dementia but it is a thief that is stealing her ability to communicate and there is no cure. There is no treatment for that matter. So we hope she will pass the screening for a clinical trial and will be placed in a group that actually receives the medication.

 

So there's that. A need for my time. Some would consider it a blessing that I now have the time, I'm not so sure.

 

I am slowly trying to adjust to the role of caregiver and have been told - by the therapist and the priest - that I need to take care of myself first. I suck at that sort of thing. Completely.

 

I did realize that I actually have time to keep up on the housework, will have time to be in the garden  (now that I have my Saturdays back), the blank canvas that has been calling to me for five years can be pulled out of the closet and "colorized", there is writing (such as this blog) that can be done and jewelry that can be made (already started that).... so there are ways to fill the time.

 

Except.

 

I am exhausted by all this. All I want to do is sleep. I joined a gym but have only been twice because I just don't have the energy. It isn't physical, it is emotional. So yes, there appears to be a silver lining in being forced out of something that matters so deeply to me... I just hope I can find a way to embrace it.